One of the most beautiful things I have witnessed during the past two years of working with many individuals seeking healing from trauma, Is an undeniable increase in their ability to express themselves freely. It happens with almost everyone I meet. It seems that Biodynamic Breathwork, a powerful tool, allows the individual to free and channel their previously locked creativity outwards.
I believe one of the reason for this, Biodynamic Breathwork and Trauma Release System ( BBTRS ) helps to remove armouring ( a wall of protection ) from both the muscular-skeletal and visceral systems of the body. This protection was created during the early development stages as a method of shielding our child selves from pain. As we grow older, in order to protect the system and prevent the body from collapse, This armouring forms in belts around the body. Resulting in chronic tension, restricted movement and pain. Other side effects occur such as stiffness and restriction to movement, Difficulty expressing emotion, giving and receiving love, poor stress regulation and the inability to express creativity.

The image below shows how the body forms “belts of tension” illustrated by Hans Hoegaerts

Once the nervous system begins to regulate, the body finally feeling safe enough, can let go of its defence mechanisms and tension releases from the body. This process moves us from a state of flight of fight into a space of calm, presence and a deeper connection to the higher self. Once arrived at this state, the urge to seek joy and express through play becomes natural. A deeper connection to who we are creates a natural opening for deep creative energy to flow directly from the soul. I believe this is what awaits, once we break through our personal barricades.  This was definitely what I experienced in my own life. 

I never heard the term trauma until In my thirties. I felt the pull to focus my life towards healing and transformation as so I began to explore. I feel the reason for this was my own unconscious desire to find the answers to my  “feelings of emptiness” I had carried for most of my adult life. I experienced all of the symptoms I mentioned earlier and I felt completely numb from the diaphragm down. Nothing brought me joy, I had problems with expressing myself in fear of being judged or abandoned by those I depended on. The more I explored these issues, I understood how much damage I had done by suppressing my creative urges. 

I was blessed with a great singing voice, One that had the power to belt out high notes and the tone to deliver both smokiness and warmth. However, this was something I was afraid of expressing to the outside world. To me, singing meant sharing my vulnerability and baring my soul to the world and it hurt to do that. Because it felt like my private connection to the divine and my only source of feeling anything. To me, it was all I had and I didn’t want anyone to judge it or take it from me. People had heard me singing privately and often asked me to sing for them, to which I always refused. On the days I did feel like expressing myself, I would put on a silly singing voice to stop them from seeing the true me. My music teacher in school however did notice me and she went above and beyond to nurture me the best she could, but I always hid away or messed up auditions for lead roles as I didn’t want to be seen. For my GCSE music exam, I covered ‘The Power of Love” on vocal while my teacher played the piano. With her support I was finally able to relax and let my true voice out for the first time in my life, I stopped thinking and opened myself up to the music in a way I had done in my life. A wave of pure bliss and emotion flowed through my body, I felt so much love and connection to a higher power and in myself.

This was short-lived as in a matter of moments as upon completion I heard the deafening applause of a group of people behind me, cheering and celebrating me. Horrified, I realised the classroom next door had overheard me singing and came to investigate, Instead of feeling happy I felt sick and violated.

That was the last time I sang, for 20 years! 

When I delved into the healing arts I began studying the human chakra system learning how stress and trauma disrupt and blocks the free flow of energy in the body. I felt somewhat relieved, yet stunned, as right in front of me listed were all of the symptoms I was experiencing. Throat restriction and constant clearing of my throat, numbness from the rib cage down and feelings of depression and hopelessness. Were a result of severing my connection with my creative energy and source of pure joy. I realised that because had been suppressing for so long, I was now physically unable to sing and I felt numb at the thought of expressing myself creatively. I realised all the pain would leave when I set myself free.  I immediately moved forward with my healing so I could let my voice be free.

This involved seeing a vocal coach who would build my confidence and help with both technique and strengthing my voice. I remember my first lesson, making him face the wall so he was unable to look at me while I sang. During our three years together,  I gained a fierce level of courage after recording several pieces on Soundcloud and singing live on Facebook. which although terrifying, was a part of my plan to overcome my fear that had been running so deeply within my veins.

It was during my time at a month-long silent isolation retreat in the Amazon jungle that my voice finally broke free. I had a lot of time to be with myself without any distractions. I lived alone in a little nature hut which gave me a lot of time to myself. I spent my days swimming in the river, doing yoga and resting until the sweet songs of nature began to weave their way into my heart for expressing and I felt more inspired to write, play my Native American flute and sing songs from the plants which came from nowhere.  In the evenings we spent our time in a ceremonial hut in complete darkness drinking a plant medicine, ayahuasca. These ceremonies were led by indigenous healers, who used their voices to draw out sickness from the body. Their abilities came from their life long studies and alliance with jungle plans which gave them visionary abilities and songs for healing called icaros, ( songs from the plants ) these sounded both beautiful and eerie at the same time. One particular night in the ceremony. I felt an unstoppable urge to sing in the darkness to this group of strangers. A message from ayahuasca came in so loudly. ” I can tear your body apart and show you things that will help you but your real healing is going to come from singing, and so singing you will do!” (The icaros song had been going for hours between the indigenous healers and the owners. A talented British singer-songwriter and his wife a New Zealander who sang beautiful songs native to her lands).  My desire to sing became so overwhelming I almost couldn’t hold it in, as if all the decades of suppression came rushing to the surface like a volcano. When asked if I would like to sing for the group who, by this time was deeply in their individual agonising ayahuasca processes.  I couldn’t as it was stuck in my throat. Lara, the beautiful owner whispered in my ear “you can do it, just make it a prayer. It doesn’t matter if you sing it wrong”. I then took a few deep breaths, opened my throat and this otherworldly sound flowed through me,  just like in my music exam twenty years before.  Except for this time I had no fear, I just let go. I felt the energy of the room shift, lighten, giving others peace. I knew at this moment that my days of hiding my voice were over. 

The more I sing the more I heal. The deeper I heal the more I feel.

Me playing my ukulele at BBTRS training in Poland

I now love to sing ceremonial healing songs because it makes others feel so safe and held. these are songs that have been passed down from ancestors and indigenous communities, carrying the frequency of peace and healing. I share these in my breathwork and cacao groups and whenever I have joined ceremonial groups across the world.  I love to sing jazz and rework power ballads and songs from the divas for my own pleasure and self-development.

I love how music makes people feel, particularly those who feel they cannot sing, experience the pure joy and freedom that comes when they get into their body and past the judgments of others. I believe I had to go through my painful healing journey to develop the skills to help other people in expressing their creative talent. I have met wonderful people who have felt l they will never be good enough. begin to heal their trauma from within and are gifted with the courage to reconnect to their dreams of being a dancer, a singer, a painter, a musician. Its as if reconnecting with their lost part brings the confidence to allow their inner child full creative expression, which becomes an unstoppable force coming from the divine. 

Do you feel this too, what magic are you hiding inside?

Who would you be if you could let the real you shine through? 

If there was no pressure to achieve or be someone other than yourself. Would you choose to sing from the rooftops, dance like no one is watching or would you paint for hours and hours, just because you feel like it?

If you have read this and feel a flicker of hope inside and want to feel the way you deserve to feel. Please drop me a message and I would love to help you.

Until next time

Alison 

xx

If you would like to listen to my musical healing journey on Soundcloud, you can listen here