Awakening With Ayahuasca

Welcome to the second entry into The Plant Medicine Series. In my last blog I shared my experiences and the wonderful healing I received from San Pedro. This blog is dedicated to the incredible and intense plant medicine that is ayahuasca.

Ayahuasca “the vine of the soul” or, as she is otherwise known, “the grandmother,” “lady of the vine” or “mother ayahuasca”, is dubbed the most powerful hallucinogenic in the world. She is a vine that grows in the Amazon Rainforest, and has been used for thousands of years by the indigenous healers as a spiritual medicine and a way of expanding the consciousness. The vine is harvested and brewed for several days before being mixed with chacruna to form a bitter tasting brew that could only be described as death itself. When drunk, this tea not only has powerful psychedelic affects, but it brings healing in a number of ways, from physical detoxing and delving into our past, to revealing painful memories, as well as showing us where we need to bring change into our lives. The best way to describe this experience is to think of how a computer defrag works. It runs through our system pulling out and clearing any old belief systems, traumas and pains that are still controlling us, enabling us to free ourselves and become happier people. Some people claim that drinking ayahuasca is like receiving 10 years of therapy in one night.

This blog is going to be my honest and frank experience with this medicine, dubbed “the mother of all psychedelics” and how it has both helped me and forced me to look deep inside of myself and change my life. I don’t claim to be an expert, it’s merely my journey that I am sharing.

From an early age I was always fascinated with the Amazon Rainforest, to me it was the most magical place on earth, the lungs of our earth in all of her glory. I knew that some day I would go there and it would become a massive part of my life, but at that young age I didn’t quite know how.  Then I started to learn about the Native Indians at school and again found myself fascinated and drawn to them. I loved how they lived off the land in harmony with nature. I often fantasised about meeting them and experiencing a few moments living in their world.

In my late twenties my health crashed. My party lifestyle and self sabotaging behaviour had left a pretty big hole in my life and my health was beginning to deteriorate rapidly. I felt empty inside and was depressed all the time. I longed to get out of this black hole, so when someone mentioned meditation to me, I thought I would give it a go.  It was while in meditation that I started to experience the most vivid and extraordinary visions. I began to find myself being transported into the heart of the Amazon. There I would be greeted and guided by an enormous yet beautiful, green, blue and purple shimmering snake, who had a body as thick as a tree trunk. I would often follow the snake blindly as if in a trance through the jungle canopy, praying that she wouldn’t eat me. Each time the snake would tell me “You are safe, follow me and don’t be afraid”. The snake would always guide me to a tree with a big hollow in the side and there I would see a beautiful pattern which looked very similar to the human DNA chain, before being pulled inside the tree.  However, these Amazonian visits confused me. Why was I in the Amazon and what was this snake trying to tell me? Looking back now I can see these meditation experiences were my very first calling from the medicine.

It was after watching a TV programme in 2005 called ‘Tribe’ which featured the former British Marine, Bruce Parry that everything came together. Bruce was visiting remote indigenous tribes who were working with a sacred brew called ayahuasca, which is said to purify the soul and expand the consciousness. It was like a light bulb went off inside me and the final dot was connected as to why I was so drawn to the Amazon, the Indians and snakes. I knew I had to experience ayahuasca, and from that moment I read and I researched a dozen or more books on this wonderful healing power.

In 2016 I finally set off to the Amazon on my very own pilgrimage to a place called Refugio Altiplano, which had come highly recommended. I spent weeks in preparation, meditating, journaling and setting my intentions, I felt fully ready for the love and healing I was about to receive from ayahuasca. However, when I arrived at Refugio with my dear friend Monica, I was so terrified. I felt out of my depth, there I was in the deepest darkest part of the Amazon Rainforest with complete strangers, I was about to experience a strong and powerful medicine that I had never experienced before and to top it off I couldn’t speak Spanish.

My first experience was one of the most nerve wracking moments of my life. I laid there and waited for the medicine to kick in. Suddenly I started to see the familiar outline of my rainbow snake come into formation, which made me laugh a little.  She told me that she was ayahuasca and would be guiding me; it was like she had been waiting for me the whole time. Other than meeting with my long lost serpent friend, it was a pretty uneventful experience. I saw a few pretty patterns and felt like something was moving around inside of me. Foolishly relaxed, I thought that taking ayahuasca was a breeze. Little did I know that I had been led into a false sense of security, over the course of the next few nights, things would take a horrific turn for the worst.

The pretty patterns I experienced had now turned into menacing shapes filled with demonic teeth and eyes, that gentle swirling pattern was now tearing through my head at lightening speed, faster and faster it went until I vomited. My body was covered in brightly covered bugs which chewed and pulled away at my flesh. I was dizzy, disorientated and barely conscious. It was like being trapped inside my worst nightmare, one that I couldn’t wake up from. I would open my eyes to get some relief only to find the visions I was experiencing were still there. I was being forced to look into my deepest, darkest fears and the raw memories of all the awful things I’d done in my life and there was nothing I could do to escape. I cried like a child and pleaded for it to go away, but instead I was slammed with more and more trauma. I saw the route cause of all of my pain and that I was the one who had created it; every single part of it, from the crappy relationships, prostituting myself in jobs I hated for financial security, to spending my whole life doing shit that I didn’t want because I was too afraid to do the things I loved. All of this was tearing around my head as if on a film reel and I was forced to watch. I prayed for this nightmare to end, only to be met with a voice who began to tell me in a mocking fashion, “this is never going to end, this is just the beginning, you are going crazy”. This repeated on loop inside of my head for what seemed like an eternity, while this giant menacing octopus like creature thrashed around in my visions. To say I was terrified was an understatement. This wasn’t quite what I was expecting from ayahuasca, I wanted love and light. Instead I was all alone in my jungle house with no way off this hellish rollercoaster.

After what seemed like an eternity spent thrashing around and vomiting every bit of moisture out of my body, the voice of ayahuasca spoke to me, I hoped she would give me some relief, instead she said something that chilled me to the core of my bones; “The only way to make this end, is to jump off the balcony”!! This sobered me up instantly, the very idea was ridiculous, but the voice of ayahuasca tried to convince me otherwise.  The medicine had already started to create the visuals where I ended my life, although I knew it wasn’t real, in that moment it felt so life like. I saw my body standing at the balcony of my jungle house and then I felt this push as I made the jump. I was the witness, watching this terrible scene unfold from inside my head, I saw the aftermath, I saw the pain of the people I cared about.  I felt like there was a lesson to be learned somewhere, like I was being given a choice, and in that moment I spoke to this force inside of me; ‘this is not my reality, this is not how things are going to be’ and then I prayed for strength, release and for the new morning when this horrible experience would be over.

As soon as I uttered these words, everything shifted and I began the biggest purge of my life, met with strange screeching noises that did not sound human. Behind the fear I began to see relief, a wave of lightness swept over my body. Looking back on this moment I strongly believe that this was the turning point of my life and possibly the moment I expelled an entity that was the reason for the darkness I was carrying around me my whole life. From that moment on everything got better, I was met with celestial beings who shared their wisdom and helped me on my way.  I gained insights to my future and was given clear direction on where I was going in life and who I was to become.

I went back to my life in the UK and worked my butt off to change my life. There was no way I was prepared to live in that dark place in my head anymore. Ayahuasca had showed me everything I was capable of and ultimately what would happen if I didn’t follow my bliss. I felt invincible, the fear inside me had vanished. I was fierce and ready to take on the world and be happy. My experience in the jungle had given me the courage to build my own coaching business and leave the job that was making me sick. It taught me to have a fierce level of self respect and the courage to know I was always protected and guided.

In less than a year ayahuasca called me back, this time for a month long full shamanic dieta at The Garden Of Peace in Peru. This time the medicine was very different, she  was working as part of a team with master plants bobinzana and then later chichiuasi, which changed the whole experience dramatically. I felt her soft side, like a wise, old Grandmother showing me the traumas and pains from my childhood, but in a soft and compassionate way. I learned to surrender to her, and no matter how tough the visions in ceremony were, to forgive and let everything pass. Every ceremony I had was soft and watery, I felt flooded with love and belief in myself, she healed my singing voice and encouraged me to sing in ceremony (which I might add is one of the toughest things ever, trying to sing a medicine song while holding back the urge to vomit is a challenge itself), although I was terrified of singing for other people. Ayahuasca gave me the courage and belief in myself. The more I sang, the stronger my voice became, and as the end of my month long dieta drew to a close, ayahuasca graced me with a beautiful icaros (a shamanic healing song), which I carried forth to our circle by singing on my final ceremony.

My teachings from ayahuasca this time was that life is like a river; it flows, shit things happen, but they pass. If we view everything through the eyes of love, everything we experience is a gift. I felt like my life had gone full circle, I had entered the dark and I’d emerged as a warrior!

My relationship with ayahuasca has definitely been rocky, she has helped me in ways I never thought possible. Giving me the kick up the ass I needed and the help to realise my potential. I had been given a full download of how my life could be and I’d be foolish to not create that. I received both the insight and the formula of how to coach people after ceremony, showing me what they need (which I was told is my purpose).  However, none of this would have been possible without taking the action and putting in the work. You see, ayahuasca is not a magic wand which is going to come along and heal your life, it doesn’t work unless you do, so you not only have to want your life to change, but you must also have the drive to see it through. Make the decision that you want to be happy and you will do what it takes to get there.  If you have been armed with this wisdom and still return to your old life, you risk becoming even more stuck and unhappy as you now hold the wisdom to change. Having the insight into what can heal and still doing nothing about it is the worst thing anyone can do to their spirit and sense of purpose. This is why opening the doors to ayahuasca is a decision that needs careful consideration, it’s definitely not child’s play; once you see, you cannot un-see.  Treat the medicine with respect, honour her and she will reward you with a life that makes you soar, but first you may have to pass through the gates of hell.

Thank you so much for reading something which was really difficult for me to write. I hope you have enjoyed reading and maybe gained some insight to ayahuasca.

The next instalment of my Plant Medicine Series will take us in to my experiences with shamanic dieta, where I bare my soul.

Until next time,

Alison

xx

For more information onplant medicine integration click here 

For authentic and trusted Peruvian ayahuasca centres visit;

The Garden of Peace – Tarapoto

Refugio Altiplano  Iquitos